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I have not been doing well. A lot of people write me every day to tell me thing will get better. However, I cannot stomach their optimism. A lot of things have been going on in my life outside of the spiritual and I wonder, sometimes, if there will ever be a way out of my predicament. 

One thing that has been uppermost in my mind has been the situation of my paternal grandparents in Los Angeles. Both of them are in their eighties. My grandmother has been suffering from severe dementia for the last year and a half. My grandfather has taken up most of the responsibilities, but he is already starting to feel his age and the task is simply impossible. There have been many solutions that have been put forward but none of them have worked for all kinds of different reasons.

I continue to be unemployed. I applied to have one of my loans deferred yesterday, but that does not necessarily mean that there won’t be bills I will have to pay. I’m waiting right now for some credit to be added to my credit card account for a big item that I bought several days ago. In the past, the credit appeared within twenty four hours. Now, I feel like I am going to be stuck waiting for an eternity.

I’m also applying for a grant that could potentially alleviate my situation or, at least, make it more bearable. However, the grant is dependent on recommendations that are made by my professors. None of my professors has done squat yet. Some of that has to do with bottlenecked e-mail systems and some of that is procrastination. I understand both, of course. However, I’m feeling awfully impatient because the deadline is coming up in less than a month and everything has to be sent to New York.

There is also the matter of my Master’s thesis. I completed it as much as I could and sent it to my advisor. He is in the process of reading and I’m certain that I will have to make more revisions. I can live with the revisions, but I also need to have a date for my defense. I would just like to get that piece of paper and continue onward with my life. I’m sick and tired of being in limbo and having nothing to do.

Increasingly, I find myself wondering whether people believe in God because they don’t want to face the reality of the situations in which they find themselves. Of course, this is an awfully cynically way to look at things, but it is true that religion (Catholic, Orthodox Christianity, Mormonism, etc.) provides believers with some level of comfort and escape from their daily routines.

Many years ago, I read an interesting essay by the atheist philosopher Bertrand Russell in which he articulated the idea I have mentioned. He also wrote  that human beings invented God and not the other way around. I sometimes wonder whether Russell is right and whether all of this religion that we have is nothing more than something that we ourselves created.

I don’t believe that I will ever be an atheist, but I do wonder about these things. After all, what if I die tomorrow and find out that heaven, hell, and purgatory don’t exist? What if I find myself in the middle of nothing? The joke will be on me.

Of course, the thing about dead ends is that there is always a way out of them. I just have to find a way out with God’s help.