With a month or so to go before Total Consecration, I have begun to feel the tug of war that has been going on in my soul. I’ve felt it before numerous times, but it has never been like this. I have had some experiences that I won’t enumerate here, but which have convinced me I am doing the right and that it is pointless for me not to go through with Total Consecration.
Today, I had a seriously fall with regard to purity. Purity is probably the one virtue that I have to work on the most because its opposite vice is the one that I struggle with. Believe me, sins against purity are putrid and absolutely evil. The habit of self-abuse is as awful as anything that the devil could come up with. Even worse is the blindness that one gets as a result of being in this sinful habit for many years. I’m speaking here from my own experience and I’m sure that the Doctors of the Church would agree with me on this one.
So I fell and usually what happens when I fall is that I feel utterly and completely guilty. I did feel the guilt big time today, but what I also felt was a calm that hadn’t been there before. I told myself that a child of Mary should never, ever think about such a thing if he is really serious about serving the Blessed Mother and that I would never succumb to impurity as long as I lived.
I do not know where this courage came from. Perhaps, it came from the knowledge that I would dedicate myself to Our Lady or from something that I read in a Total Consecration manual about amendment of life. Either way, I have never felt what I felt today nor did I ever make a resolution to never do something again.
God is working on me and He is pulling me through. It’s time for me to gird up my loins and follow Him. The devil can drink his own poison.
Our Lady of the Angels, pray for us!